"Ladies and gentlemen, I'd like to introduce the members of The Dance Band."

"On piano, Bob:
But first a few words about pianists in general. They are intellectuals and
know-it-alls. They studied theory, harmony and composition in college. Most
are riddled with self-doubt. They are usually bald. They should have big
hands, but often don't. They were social rejects as adolescents. They go
home after the gig and play with toy soldiers. Pianists have a special
love-hate relationship with singers. If you talk to the piano player during
a break, he will condescend.

"On bass we have, Dave:
Bassists are not terribly smart. The best bassists come to terms with their
limitations by playing simple lines and rarely soloing. During the better
musical moments, a bassist will pull his strings hard and grunt like an
animal. Bass players are built big, with paws for hands, and they are always
bent over awkwardly. If you talk to the bassist during a break, you will not
be able to tell whether or not he's listening.

"On drums, Ron:
Drummers are radical. Specific personalities vary, but are always extreme. A
drummer might be the funniest person in the world, or the most psychotic, or
the smelliest. Drummers are uneasy because of the many jokes about them,
most of which stem from the fact that they aren't really
musicians. Pianists are particularly successful at making drummers feel bad.
Most drummers are highly excitable; when excited, they play louder. If you
decide to talk to the drummer during a break, always be careful not to sneak
up on him.

"On Saxophone, some old guys and some young guys:
Saxophonists think they are the most important players on stage.
Consequently, they are temperamental and territorial. They know all the
Coltrane and Bird licks but have their own sound, a mixture of Coltrane and
Bird. They take exceptionally long solos, which reach a peak half way
through and then just don't stop. They practice quietly but audibly while
other people are trying to play. They are obsessed. Saxophonists sleep with
their instruments, forget to shower, and are mangy. If you talk to a
saxophonist during a break, you will hear a lot of excuses about his reeds.

"On Trumpet are mostly old guys:
Trumpet players are image-conscious and walk with a swagger. They are often
former college linebackers. Trumpet players are very attractive to women
despite the strange indentation on their lips. Many of them sing; misguided
critics then compare them to either Louis Armstrong or Chet Baker depending
whether they're black or white. Arrive at the session early, and you may get
to witness the special trumpet game. The rules are: play as loud and as high
as possible. The winner is the one who plays loudest and highest. If you
talk to a trumpet player during a break, he might confess that his favorite
player is Maynard Ferguson, the merciless God of loud-high trumpeting.

"On the Guitar parts is the piano player:
Jazz guitarists are never very happy. Deep inside they want to be rock
stars, but they're old and overweight. In protest, they wear their hair
long, prowl for groupies, drink a lot, and play too loud. Guitarists hate
piano players because they can hit ten notes at once, but guitarists make up
for it by playing as fast as they can. The more a guitarist drinks, the
higher he turns his amp. Then the drummer starts to play harder, and the
trumpeter dips into his loud/high arsenal. Suddenly, the saxophonist's
universe crumbles, because he is no longer the most important player on
stage. He packs up his horn, nicks his best reed in haste, and storms out of
the room. The pianist struggles to suppress a laugh. If you talk to a
guitarist during the break he'll ask personal questions about...(slightly
"off-color" content here -removed).

"On Trombone some more old guys:
The trombone is known for its pleading, voice-like quality. "Listen," it
seems to say in the male tenor range, "Why won't anybody hire me for a gig?"
Trombonists like to play fast, because their notes become indistinguishable
and thus immune to criticism. Most trombonists played
trumpet in their early years, then decided they didn't want to walk around
with a strange indentation on their lips. Now they hate trumpet players, who
somehow get all the women despite this disfigurement. Trombonists are
usually tall and lean, with forlorn faces. They don't eat much. They have to
be very friendly, because nobody really needs a trombonist. Talk to a
trombonist during a break and he'll ask you for a gig, try to sell you
insurance, or offer to mow your lawn."

"Our feature vocalist is the lovely Diana Lee and wow!:
Vocalists are whimsical creations of the all-powerful jazz gods. They are
placed in sessions to test musicians' capacity for suffering. They are not
of the jazz world, but enter it surreptitiously. Example: A young woman is
playing minor roles in college musical theater. One day, a misguided campus
newspaper critic describes her singing as "...jazzy." Voila! A star is born!
Quickly she learns "My Funny Valentine," "Summertime," and "Route 66." Her
training complete, she embarks on a campaign of musical terrorism. Musicians
flee from the bandstand as she approaches. Those who must remain feel the
full fury of the jazz universe. The vocalist will try to seduce you--and the
rest of the audience--by making eye contact, acknowledging your presence,
even talking to you between tunes. DO NOT FALL INTO THIS TRAP! Look away,
make your distaste obvious. Otherwise the musicians will avoid you during
their breaks. Incidentally, if you talk to a vocalist during a break, she
will introduce you to her "manager."